Which Greek God Are You Based on Your Beard
Witten By Shaylynn Marks
Ever since the recent release of Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey, all things Greek mythology has been back on everyone’s radar. If you need some beard inspo, or want to know what vibes you’re giving off with your current look—we’ll pair you with which Greek god you are based on your beard style. Let’s find your divine counterpart so you have a barber-approved game plan for keeping your mug full-on Olympian.
Which Greek God Are You Based on Your Beard?
Efrem Efre Via Pexels
Clean Shaven: Apollo
A clean shaven or nearly invisible shadow creates a fresh, put-together appearance with practically zero styling. Apollo, the youthful god of music, poetry, prophecy, and healing, has always been depicted as beardless in the majority of classic paintings and texts. Smooth cheeks reflect the same creative-meets-demure aesthetic, especially when you regularly maintain them with a mustache and detailing razor set.
Your divine attributes: artistic, refined, and precise with a close attention to details.
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Stubble Beard: Hermes
Intentional stubble or the classic 5 o’clock shadow sits right between clean shaven and fully committed, but the edges still need to look sharp so it reads rugged instead of lazy or forgotten. That quick-moving style belongs to Hermes, who, at times, has been described as older with a beard, is most typically written about as a youthful messenger god. Hermes watched over everyone from travelers and merchants to athletes and thieves. Just make sure to use a few drops of clarifying beard oil in between shaves to help protect the exposed skin from the frequent trims.
Your divine attributes: clever, restless, and can easily adapt to just about anything.
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Goatee: Pan
The shorter, tapered style of a goatee concentrates attention around your mouth, which tapers down and adds more definition to your chin. Pan, a man with horns and the legs of a goat, ruled over shepherds and their flocks, as well as the wilderness. Full of personality just like the god himself, channel your inner Pan by keeping your goatee shape crisp. Do this by shaping your beard with some light hold mustache wax and a beard comb.
Your divine attributes: playful and untamed with the perfect amount of mischievousness.
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Short Boxed Beard: Ares
Armed for battle with a short, thick beard, Ares is famously known as the god of War. Ares, when told in stories as a mature warrior, can be easily channeled with a short boxed beard. The sharp edges create a strong, structured jawline. Capture the Ares energy and add beard balm for moisture and use a beard brush to smooth out a controlled finish ready for action.
Your divine attributes: daring, competitive, and unafraid to take the lead.
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Textured Timber Beard: Hephaestus
A dense, rugged beard with a few natural waves is a textbook-Hephaestus style beard. He’s the god of fire, metalworking, and craftsmanship. He forged the most iconic weapons and inventions. The man has better things to do than constantly fret over his beard. Just remember you’re not actually a god, and all that sweat and buildup can cause beard acne. Wash it regularly with beard shampoo.
Your divine attributes: innovative, always consistent and dependable.
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Garibaldi Beard: Hades
Classically described to have a dark, full beard, Hades, the ruler of the underworld, gives complete Garibaldi energy. The beard style combines a full mustache with a dense, rounded beard that isn’t overly sculpted. To keep its shape and pleasant heaviness, massage refined beard oil into the beard hairs down to the skin underneath, then smooth it out with a firm boar bristle brush.
Your divine attributes: reserved and mysterious, but won’t hesitate to get what they want.
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Bandholz Beard: Dionysus
The older we see Dionysus in stories and art, the longer his beard appears. The Bandholz, at any size, has such a lavish shape that screams Dionysus. The ultimate party god, Dionysus ruled wine, theatre, festivity, and madness. Despite how free-spirited like Dionysus you may be, regular washing and making sure to detangle with a wide-tooth comb go a long way. That quick run through keeps it the perfect amount of tame in a matter of minutes.
Your divine attributes: charismatic, a bit indulgent, and unapologetically expressive.
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Long, Wavy Beard: Poseidon
Poseidon wasn’t just the god of the sea, but also the god of horses and earthquakes. Greek artists frequently portrayed him with a long, wavy beard and a trident. Like Poseidon, beard curls and waves carry an authority of their own. Keep that volume ever-present by brushing with a large oval beard brush and a few dabs of beard balm to keep frizz to a minimum.
Your divine attributes: resilient, adventurous, impossible to ignore.
Main Image by: Hasan Lütfü Örsdemir
Long Verdi: Zeus
Yes, the man himself would have a glorious verdi—long, full and mighty, with a prominent mustache styled outward and magnificent. Zeus, the god who ruled over the sky, thunder, law, and divine order, would have nothing less than a stately silhouette of a long verdi. To keep this beard truly god-like, get yourself a full beard kit with a solid routine. Zeus was the king of the gods, and would never expect anything less than the absolute best.
Your divine attributes: authoritative, ambitious, and not to mention…utterly majestic.
Keep Your Beard God-Like
Be Mount Olympus worthy with a grooming routine built around the length, texture, and styling needs of your beard. No matter which deity matches your style, it’s imperative to have all the right grooming essentials in your arsenal to style and maintain a beard made to command.
